birfday

itll b my birthday soon

wonder if ill have the strength then

i know i made a BIG mistake booking that airbnb

i am losing at the game of chess where my past self is playing against my future self. my future self is winning.

recently

shell

it feels like i am just the shell of the person i used to be

i think theres something necessary about this

it really is the damn phone

but also the food, the culture, the media, the air, the water, the expectations (or lack thereof)

dont fret; dont be confused; God is quick.

i wonder if a bird on a tree ever thinks about its lack of discipline and loyalty to Christ and its constant battle and struggle to even begin taking the first steps into a serious spiritual life.

or if it even considers that maybe this is all part of the spiritual life and just being born is the start of your spiritual life and theres no separation but we are led to believe that there is in order to pretend like its a choice to become a part of the ultimate war. or not.

like; does the bird ever think to itself about its own fallen nature and how the brain can convice itself of 2 opposite things at once?

to think that i could just ignore the Word and live however i want. and. at the same time. think that i NEED to die to the world to be reborn in spirit.

or maybe

its just a bird

singing for God without a care in the world

it doesnt concern itself with worldly things

it just… sings

i wish to be like that bird

— ii downtrodden by my own iniquity